“Asking the proper question is the central action of transformation- in fairy tales, in analysis, and in individuation. The key question causes germination of consciousness. The properly shaped question always emanates from an essential curiosity about what stands behind. Questions are the keys that cause the secret doors of the psyche to swing open.”
What follows is an essay that was included in my 2017 book,Woodland Manitou, and I’m sharing it here with some current thoughts mixed in as I continue to support the work of MY HUMAN COACH. My colleagues are a compassionate, good hearted, committed group of experienced wellness professionals, and I’m excited to begin to share more about the project as it unfolds in the months to come.
There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
~William Stafford
The first person I called after four weeks of company-specific training to be a corporate health coach was a gentleman who I’ll call Charlie. The appointment was at 7pm on a Tuesday in early April, and I had literally all day to prepare and worry about how it would go. When the witching hour finally rolled around, I dialed the phone, had my paper at the ready to take notes and half hoped that he wouldn’t answer. But he did answer, and at the end of the conversation, he had a goal to play basketball once a week and eat one less serving of pasta when spaghetti was on the table for dinner. And I knew that he had a six year old daughter going through treatment for leukemia and that he felt powerless in the face of something so important that was outside of his control. In twenty minutes I learned what made this person who I’d probably never meet get up in the morning and what drove him to take care of himself. I learned about some of his challenges, and I learned of his struggles to stay on track. I asked him what his vision of a healthy life was, and he told me it was to be his best self so he could give his daughter the dad she deserved. Most of his story I’ll never know, and he didn’t have to tell me the parts that he did. But he chose to share, and I chose to listen, and now our stories will forever be intertwined.
That appointment with Charlie was in 2007, somehow nearly twenty years ago, and I still remember the tenor of his voice and the urgency that underlaid his drive to do what was necessary to care for his child. In the past eight years or so, much of my coaching has been done via text-based coaching and group facilitation, which is just as powerful an avenue for positive change.
I came to health coaching on a whim — it was one possibility out of many after completing graduate school. One morning as winter lingered and the city that was home at the time sighed under the weight of snow that wanted to melt but couldn’t yet, I showed up to an interview with the manager of a new health coaching department at a growing health management company. I answered the interview questions, faked my way through a role play and left with a job. I figured I’d last a year or two and then move onto the next thing. After all, health coaching? What was that anyway? I had no idea what I was doing. And I didn’t really want to sit at a desk in a cubicle talking to people on the phone all day.
I really didn’t think the health coaching thing was going to stick when I said yes to that offer all those years ago.1 But somehow it did, and even though I’ve been through two layoffs now from health coaching positions, the role of “coach” has threaded its way into my identity— even if I don’t hold a formal job title that identifies me as such. Once you start thinking in questions, it sticks.
Interacting with real people is unpredictable and messy, no matter how long you’ve been doing a job. But despite the challenges, there is something powerful and real about what goes on during coaching. I can’t say I love the phone time, or the centrality of the computer to the work that I do, or the fast pace at which the corporation I work for grows [edited to add…either time], but these years working as a coach have provided a springboard into possibilities that didn’t exist before I took the chance to do something that felt like it was outside my comfort zone. Talking to relative strangers all day isn’t usually a job that has introverted people lining up at the door, excited to begin. But doing so has forced me to hold on tight to the invisible thread that guides me when I remember it’s there. I certainly don’t always remember it’s there. But when can feel the thread, and when I remember that authentic connection, both to other humans and to nature, has to be the cornerstone from which I operate at the office, it makes a difference. I have to remember to keep it real.
Re-reading my own words brought some other words, by Maria Popova, to mind:
Every act of communication is an act of tremendous courage in which we give ourselves over to two parallel possibilities: the possibility of planting into another mind a seed sprouted in ours and watching it blossom into a breathtaking flower of mutual understanding; and the possibility of being wholly misunderstood, reduced to a withering weed. Candor and clarity go a long way in fertilizing the soil, but in the end there is always a degree of unpredictability in the climate of communication — even the warmest intention can be met with frost. Yet something impels us to hold these possibilities in both hands and go on surrendering to the beauty and terror of conversation, that ancient and abiding human gift. And the most magical thing, the most sacred thing, is that whichever the outcome, we end up having transformed one another in this vulnerable-making process of speaking and listening.
Communication between two humans is a risk, and it’s a risk that’s well worth the effort it takes to embrace that vulnerability. So many wellness services are adding A.I. to the mix these days—it makes me uneasy… and even more devoted to offering people authentic connection with a human being who can empathize.
Mary Oliver wrote, “Do you think there is anything not attached by its unbreakable cord to everything else?”
When I hold onto my thread, that unbreakable cord that binds me to all the things of the world —both human and non human — I can remember that my work allows me to weave into the tapestry of someone else’s story, and then out again, as the story of what it means to be on earth unfolds.
This week, My Human Coach, a collective of health coaches aiming to offer ethical and 100% human (no AI! We mean it when we say it’s important to us to keep it real) health coaching, has launched a crowdfunding campaign to help fund early business costs—I’d love to have your support if you feel so moved. It’s my birthday on Friday, so consider it an early birthday gift?
Here’s what we’ll be putting out via our social media channels later this week—you get a preview… :)
Every person who becomes healthier steps more fully into living the life they are truly designed to live. This has a ripple effect on families, communities, and workplaces.
It's no secret that many of our systems are struggling, but we truly believe a better world is possible–and we’ll get there one healthier person at a time.
We all have a part to play in building a more just and equitable world. With the launch of our crowdfunding campaign via #ifundwomen, MHC is one step closer to doing its part by offering health coaching scholarships and services to those who could benefit. We invite you to join us!
Here are four ways to help:
Purchase a health coaching subscription for yourself
Pay it forward by supporting our coaching scholarships
Make a donation (of any amount... every dollar makes this work a little more possible!)
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We invite you to help us live our mission of making good health more accessible to everyone:
Offered on the spot after the final interview, I might add, after just one phone screening call and that final in person interview…all of which was completed within two weeks of applying for the job. After five months of job searching, this seems like a fairy tale sort of situation now.