Cede authority

to a handful of starts

That’s something poet Maggie Smith said in a workshop I participated in with her last year. It was a poetry workshop, so she was talking about poems when the phrase came up. Starting is tough, whether it’s a new piece of writing, a new job, or a new way of interacting with what’s going on in the world. I tend to want things to just work the first time. Be a smashing success. Maintain control of the narrative at all times. Ceding authority doesn’t sound like a great idea. (Maybe you can relate.)

Then I consider the 12 step model of AA — the very first step is admitting you don’t have any power [over addiction]. And by doing so, and accepting what is, you finally access the power you truly need to move [out of active addiction] toward life.

Beginnings are hard. Outcomes are usually unknown, paths forward are murky, and urgency to figure it out already is high. There can be grief involved, or anxiety, or any other emotion that a human can feel. Everything, including emotions (even the ones you want to feel) at the start of something can feel like an emergency. Like being lost in foggy woods, or stuck at a crossroads….full of urgency to just get where you’re going.

So maybe we take a cue from the Big Book and admit we don’t actually have power over how things shake out. We influence what happens, sure. We can take steps to set ourselves up for success. We can do the work and hope for the best. Yet when we accept what is, move a little slower, and ask for help when needed, we access the power necessary to move forward. Even if the path remains unclear and the outcome ends up being different than what we would have chosen had we suddenly become an all powerful being.

Rebecca Solnit started a project not long ago called Meditations in an Emergency, and I think that’s a solid mantra for the times.

Meditations in an Emergency

Times are urgent,
we must slow down
sounds like terrible advice--
what, wait around as the sky is falling? 
But no, waiting around
isn't the same as slowing down. 
Slowing down requires
noticing everything missed
when urgency dictates pace, 
frantic energy of distraction and haste
gobbling up attention to give it to nothing, 
power over hijacking life force
that could be helping instead. 
So if the sky is falling
make sure to stay mindful
of earth's beating heart--
See? 
Just there. 
It's pulsing alongside your own.
Slowly keeping time
despite everything--even in an emergency.

(Bayo Akomokafe is the first person I heard say “Times are urgent, we must slow down.”)

The last sentence in Church of Shadow and Light is, “Every moment is the end of something and the beginning of something else. What ends now? And what begins?”

May the week ahead include enough of whatever it is you need the most.