The forces in our lives are constantly colliding—sometimes in ways that work out well and sometimes in ways that don’t. This interview series is an exploration of what it can look like to work with the collisions, rather than against them. By digging into how humans and nature and culture interact – from our relationships with other humans, to those with our non-human neighbors, to our relationship with ourselves to our relationship with the landbase –we can uncover how to best step fully into our role in the story of the world. Every few weeks, I’ll be bringing in other voices to this virtual space to explore a collision of their choice and share it with us.
Welcome to another installment of the Ordinary Collisions interview series. Today I have the great pleasure of introducing you to Chrystal Odin1, who I met because of the very same farm that helped me collide with my last guest, Lindsey. The first time we shared [masked] physical space was in 2020, just after Chrystal and family moved into the Orchard House and where settling into life at Philadelphia Community Farm. Given that we were in the midst of “early pandemic life”, it was an odd time to meet someone, but we were able to share some conversations via Zoom and have connected in person again at outdoor farm events in the community. I look forward to learning about and supporting the continually evolving work of PCF.
Meet Chrystal, a Queer and Black mother, partner, farmer, educator and activist for ADOS and Indigenous access to land as a human right. With over 12+ yrs experience, Chrystal serves as Board Member, Farmer, Caregiver, and Educator at Philadelphia Community Farm which is an Intergenerational, Multi-Abled, BIPOC & LGBTQ led and centered farm community and nonprofit 501(c)(3). The farm and its supporters are committed to creating access for historically marginalized people to connect to their history through land, food systems, and cultural practices.
Heidi: Chrystal, thanks for being here with us today. To start, I always ask the same question: What are two forces that are colliding in your life right now (or that have in the not too distant past)?
Chrystal: I am not sure that there are only two forces colliding in my life right now. . . And, the forces that are colliding (as numerous as they may be), as is generally so, stem from inner-conflict. It doesn’t even really matter so much what the inner-conflict is. Because at the root it is always the same, the conflict takes the shape of two story-tellers standing in the same room side by side, saying opposing things to one another. While I, the subject of their supplications, stand in numb isolation. Both work to silence the other into submission. Both are trying to keep the little girl within, the wounded one, my Self looking on. . . safe.
Heidi: How are you navigating the conditions this collision, this inner conflict, is creating? How does the dissonance created impact your choices?
Chrystal: This is such a specific question. . . The Conditions. . . First it seems to me I must name the conditions that the collision of inner-conflict creates. Is it a noun or a verb? Another conflict.
In order to order my thoughts I think it would be best to name the speakers.
The Speakers are projections. Whisperings lurking in the shadows, murmurings of my own beliefs about myself, built on stories inadvertently reinforced during childhood. They are the keepers of my Disassociation, the caregivers.
The Conditions are that of PTSD. The conditions are often that of dissociation.
The dissonance created with dissociation impacts me with behaviors of self-sabotage. I know what is the helpful path, and yet I am compelled to stay in the room with these two speakers, unable to move away. They are all I have ever known of the corridors of my mind.
How do I navigate dissociation then? How to hear both stories and see them as parents I no longer need to keep safe? How to lean into the vulnerability that is necessary to stay present in the moment of fear?
The experience of having thoughts, and therefore ideas, that generate conflicting energies can be debilitating. To navigate the dissonance means I must first acknowledge that it exists. I have begun naming and speaking of the sensations I am feeling in my body. First I say something to the effect of, aloud to my partner or friend “I am feeling sensations of discomfort. My palms are sweaty, my heart is pounding, my chest is tight. . .” Naming the sensations or reactions I am having to the feelings in my body helps to ground me in my physical experience. This practice aids me in re-associating.
In doing so I am able to acknowledge both caregivers, thank them for their service, open the door to the hallway and move forward into the unknown.
Heidi: This reminds me of some words of Ivy Compton-Burnett: “Speaking of things robs them of half their terrors.” I admire your strength and commitment to yourself in doing that inner work. It’s not an easy road.
What has this collision taught you about yourself? The world?
Not the collision, but rather the resolution, has taught me that I am capable of overcoming my own trauma. It has taught me that slow, empathetic care of myself and my little wounded heart is demonstrated by loving all of me as I do my own child, with tenderness and patience. It has taught me to be a better person, partner, and parent. It has taught me that Liberation is an inner journey only each soul can take. When we each take responsibility for being our own healers, we liberate not only ourselves, but all beings.
Heidi: I love how you reframed things to focus on the resolution OF the collision. You’ve empowered yourself to live well—and doing so always adds to the healing of the world.
Next I’d love to hear about a collision you explore in your vocation/work life.
Chrystal: My work as an activist, farmer and educator has brought me again and again to the conflict of food access and capitalism. We live in a capitalist society. There is no getting around it. Everything we do and need is dependent on money as a resource. In particular in the non-profit sector, we like to believe that we are working towards a common good for all people we serve, we would like for our services to be free of capital. Yet the more capital we have, the more we can serve. Money enslaves us to the system of scarcity, yet money is sometimes the only thing individuals and families need in order to lift them into abundance. It’s a paradox that isn’t lost on me.
As a farmer I only want to feed my community. Some people have the resources to eat fresh truly healthy food, many don’t. I desire for those around me to have access to the transformational experience that land and soil give to me. I deeply know that our liberation as human beings from the tyranny of our own stories is inherent in our ability to see ourselves as a part of, not, apart from our food system. And I also know that farmers are the only workers who “pay at retail, sell at wholesale, and pay the freight both ways”. To keep the dream of access alive, we have to also be able to pay for our product, labor, and land. I am personally exploring this in the latest project I am part of co-creating called The FOOD FOR ALL Project. FOOD FOR ALL is a fundraiser event from now until August 12th that aims to raise money to supply local Low-Income families with 14 weeks of our Fall-Winter CSA Shares at no cost to them. It’s a gift that requires us all to work together, give a little or a lot, financial support or sweat, to lift others out of hunger. It’s a small step towards liberation. Because my liberation depends on your liberation and your liberation depends on my liberation and my liberation depends on your liberation and on and on ad infinitum.
Heidi: FOOD FOR ALL is such a hopeful project! And “…my liberation depends on your liberation and your liberation depends on my liberation…” A mantra to live by. Thank you for offering that to us, and sharing about your work.
What else would you like to share about your current projects?
Chrystal: Thank you for asking such thought provoking and vulnerable questions, and for including me in your work.
Our seasonal farm products can be purchased directly on the farm, online, and at the Osceola Farmer’s Market most Friday’s from 2:00pm - 6:00pm. We’re at the St. Croix Falls Farmer’s Market every other Saturday from 10:00am - 1:00pm. I am always at the stand!
Volunteers are welcome in the gardens to work and learn and share alongside our community.
We regularly host educational immersions in partnerships with schools and community groups for K-adult learners with co-created curriculum weaving cultural heritage with inner reflection into land stewardship.
We offer a space for self-guided retreats as well as have opportunities for guided retreats with our wealth of teachers and practitioners.
To connect, send a letter of inquiry via email to: farm@buttermilkcsa.com OR csa@buttermilkcsa.com We will get back to you as soon as possible.
Perhaps one day we will all be on land together, building on our own healing.
Have a collision you’d like to explore in this space? Send me an email at heidi@heidibarr.com.
Chrystal’s perspective is featured in a chapter called “Listening to the Land” in my next book, Collisions of Earth and Sky. Stay tuned for more information on that as the year continues.