The wind is howling today, straight out of the east, after a few days of calm and unseasonably warm weather. Tree branch strength is being tested as limbs bend to the atmospheric current, and there are waves on the tiny lake out back. Only a few persevering ducks dot the water’s surface, and a loose bit of soffit on the house is rattling. Things are unsettled. On windy days (maybe you can relate) focus can be hard to come by, and my thoughts are jumping around, from employment woes to escalating violence across the sea1 to all the little blue flowers that pop up every year around the big ash tree in the front yard.2
TL;DR—I’m still job searching + a few poems.
I've worked as a health coach for the past 17+ years. Before that I spent time as a naturalist, camp counselor/canoe trip guide, certified personal trainer, adaptive fitness instructor, and director of youth ministry, in no particular order. I’ve never wanted to be a supervisor or be in charge of approving anyone’s time off or reviewing another human’s ‘job performance’. I’ve just wanted to walk alongside people, occasionally giving them a boost, asking a powerful question, or pointing out a hidden pathway, as they navigate the challenges that come with being alive on planet earth on their quest to live the life they feel called toward. In mid 2007, I completed the Wellcoaches core coach training program through my first coaching employer. I learned a lot from that program, but I’ve learned so much more from working directly with people day in and day out. Training only does so much–years of ‘in the trenches’ experience and innate coaching skills have made a far, far bigger impact on my practice than any training program or course ever has. NBC-HWC (National board certification) didn't become a thing until 2017, well into my coaching career.
In 2016, I published my first book3. Since then, I've published one book a year (the eighth one came out in April). Instead of going through yet another 'coach training program' while writing books that incorporate personal development and coaching principles (and coaching people every day), I have focused on being the best coach I can be, on being a good ancestor and steward of the land on which I reside, and on writing, editing, launching, and promoting those books and all the events that tend to go along with them.
Since being laid off from my most recent coaching job at the end of January, it's been next to impossible to even get an interview for.... anything really, but especially a coaching job. I’ve applied for 60 jobs as of today, about 60% of those coaching or wellness/health/support related. (Granted, the market is saturated by health coaches like me who have been laid off. But I really wasn't prepared for it to be this much of a struggle at this point in my career.) I had an initial interview for an entry level coaching position a few weeks ago, the only interview I’ve gotten for full time coaching work in these past three months, and in the requirements description it said, "has the capacity to learn motivational interviewing." Entry level positions are great…when you are just entering the field. Being able to only get an interview for an ‘entry level’ position after almost two decades in the industry is frustrating, to say the least. Over the course of my 17 year tenure in health coaching, I've trained new coaches on how to effectively use motivational interviewing. I’ve developed curriculum and behavior change content. I’ve recommended changes to training and programming that were implemented. I’ve coached a diverse population, from formerly unhoused women to new moms to clergy to elderly folk on Medicare to college students to VIPs and senior leadership. I have public facing recommendations of my work from people IN senior leadership. The Chief of Psychology at my former company wrote the foreword of one of my books.
I was deemed too experienced for that entry level position, and the interview ended. The company won’t consider me for the more senior role with better pay because I don’t have NBC-HWC4. To be clear, I think having legit certifications is wonderful, and can be beneficial for coach and client and employer. I don’t, however, think the absence of one certification should prevent a very experienced and well-documented ‘high performing’ practitioner from being considered for a job.
A woman, by the river, indestructible’
said Ada Limón, in a poem called Wonder Woman,
words that find me on a day I feel anything but–
indestructible? Ha. These days even a slight breeze
threatens to knock what little stability lingers
straight to the soggy spring ground, ground that feels
rockier than before, ground that undulates
with uncertainty and too much scrolling.
Wonder Woman is a myth that feels far from these shores,
these shores that hold breaking and grief and destruction
yet there's a woman, still, by the river, indestructible
water running parallel to that rocky ground
and in that river there's a reflection of a woman
shaky but more stable than she thinks.
A woman, by the river, indestructible.
Everyone is continually learning, of course. There are always opportunities to continually evolve as a coach and human, but at this point on my path, putting forth energy to achieve more letters behind my name feels like a misallocation of energy. I want to put the skills I’ve already developed over the last two decades to work in a way that adds healing to the world. One of the most vexing things about looking for a full time job is the fact that doing so, especially in today’s job market, IS a full time job. Spending all day every day networking and writing cover letters and updating my resume and filling out application after application also feels like a misallocation of my energy that could be going toward actually helping people, not just on securing a job for myself. When folks offer advice on my job search, it’s often things like rearranging words on a LinkedIn profile, or updating the skills section of a resume so the order in which they appear is different, or joining more networking groups.5
You could frame this as “Okay, well, you have to do these things so that eventually you’ll be able to help people again.” Sure, I guess that’s one way to think about it. You could also say, “Okay, well, just go out and help people even if you don’t get paid.” Which is a fantastic thing to do, and something I aspire to do more regularly. We do, however, need to pay the tax bill and the mortgage and regularly purchase fuel and groceries.6 The fact that people who want to help other people (or the planet) are spending all day updating their resumes and applying for jobs so they can afford to live, in a world that is full to the brim of people who need the help they are trying to give, is the sign of a system that is not set up in a life-giving way.
WHEN BEAUTY LOOKS DIFFERENT THAN YOU THINK IT SHOULD
One evening, three months after being laid off
I’m watching dusk fall over the lake,
tawny reflections in conversation
with red winged birds,
thinking of all the ways falling
brings beauty with it–
dusk falling over still water
rain falling into pools of silver shimmer
willow branches falling in a living curtain of green–
and I wonder how our own falling
brings beauty with it.
When the rug is swept from under your feet,
you can close your eyes and wish it different
or you can widen your gaze to take in the new view.
Because what if that view includes
daytime stars fading
dragonflies drifting
dawn rising,
transforming what’s fallen
into a mosaic capable of lifting light?
The advice to “just focus on your writing” or “start your own coaching business” are nice thoughts, but those are also things that plain and simple do not pay the bills that we have right now, today. Or provide health insurance. (As much as I try to manifest those things. I don’t have it in me to start my own business.) I have a few job applications out for positions I’d love to have amidst the sea of others that are significantly less aligned with what I value… for the Minnesota DNR, for a grassroots sustainable farming organization, for an editing gig at a local publishing house. I’m trying to find a workable balance of being hopeful and realistic, which can feel a lot like a rollercoaster ride since my experience so far has been….. “Oooo…this job sounds like a great fit and aligns with my skills and values” followed by “we received your application” followed by weeks of silence followed by “we were really impressed by your skills and experience but we had 800 applicants and went with other candidates.” Yipes.
They say it’s all about who you know.7
Let ambiguity
wrap you up like a blanket,
but not the kind that makes you stay still–
more like the kind you wear as soft armor
with enough give to take you anywhere
necessary, even straight into the howling wind.
As the wind continues to howl on this spring day here in Minnesota, I’m reminded of another stretch of windy weather, several autumns ago when things were also uncertain and harder than most of us would like. I’ll leave you with this excerpt from Collisions of Earth and Sky:
The wind gusted hard here in Minnesota that autumn of the Cameron Peak fire. All the brilliantly colored leaves seemed to swirl to the ground in a matter of hours after one afternoon of high wind. Combines kicked up great clouds of dust as they harvested. Dead vines and rotten fruit were pulled from the garden. A loose piece of siding on the house rattled day after day.
The wind was also gusting hard hundreds of miles away, in that Rocky Mountain pine forest at nine thousand feet. Trees burned. Firefighters defended structures. Animals fled. Residents prayed for respite and safety.
Blustery and uncertain conditions are hard to navigate. They can be unpleasant. They’re inconvenient. They can be devastating. They can also offer possibilities.
That autumn at my house, milkweed pods burst open, seeds taking flight.
Any serotinous pine cones in the burning forests released their seeds because of new heat.
We won’t know where those seeds landed until they sprout again, but they landed somewhere to take root and grow into something new.
There is plenty of hard, yes.8 Some days I don’t know how things will possibly work out. But life continues to churn on, despite my uncertainty about what’s coming next, and joy and goodness and grace have solid roots, living side by side with things that seem too broken to properly mend. Perhaps existing in the midst of contrast teaches us not to be afraid of the shadowy bits. Not to rely on light alone to illuminate the path. To be always willing to let what comes next be just that: what comes next. And to always look for reason to pause – or have the courage TO pause and pay attention to what might be present when we do.9
With that, let’s end on a high note, shall we? Share a little bit of good from your world in the comments. What does pausing allow you to notice today?
Ceasefire now.
Siberian Squill. Pretty, yet highly toxic when eaten, so we just gaze upon them.
Prairie Grown, which is currently out of print due to the publisher going out of business, but copies can still be found here and there.
NBC-HWC or 'eligibility to sit for exam' is often listed as a requirement for health coaching positions now. I'm confident I could pass the exam if I sat for it, but I don't have time (read: many months) or the financial resources (2K on average) to complete a new coach training program (since the one I did years ago is now “too old” to count) right now. I already have a Masters Degree, with a focus on active listening and compassionate care, and that cost a lot. I’ve chosen to spend my ‘extra time’ these past ten years on developing my writing (which incorporates coaching), being a good parent and spouse, and keeping my garden alive over adding more letters to my signature.
If that isn’t a sign of a system that’s not working, I don’t know what is.
It’s worth saying here that I have a big safety net — so, so many others are in more difficult and dire situations.
(So if you, or anyone you’re connected to, is looking to hire a very experienced coach [who’s open to health, wellness, and student success work] who is also a good writer [who’s open to communications, project management, or editing roles], please be in touch.)
There are some other things, some of which aren’t my stories to tell, going on that are compounding the ‘hard’—and then the power went nuts in the middle of the night last week and the heavy machinery they used to fix it tore up the garden and field. In short, we could use a bit of good news and/or something going well.
If you made it all the way to the end of this rambling post with enough footnotes to make David Foster Wallace proud, congratulations! I appreciate your attention to the small print.
Thank you for writing so honestly, Heidi, I can relate to much of what you are experiencing. When you wrote, "The fact that people who want to help other people (or the planet) are spending all day updating their resumes and applying for jobs so they can afford to live, in a world that is full to the brim of people who need the help they are trying to give, is the sign of a system that is not set up in a life-giving way", I was cheering along. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by how 'wrong' our world is. There is SO much need out there and many people who want to make things better are ending up burnt out by the system they are forced to function in.
But, as I sit here with my door open to the fresh morning air, I can hear the warble of the Australian magpie welcoming in a new day. Soon the lorikeet parrots, and the family of kookaburras will arrive, and I will know that all is well. I wish you all the very best in your job search, Heidi x